Fears

I am afraid of waking up in 10 years and realizing that I took the wrong path, or stayed on one too long.

I am afraid of being stuck, getting stuck, feeling stuck…in more ways than one.

I am afraid to stop working because when I do I feel very depressed and lacking direction.

I am afraid of becoming that teacher – jaded, apathetic and crass.

I am afraid – no, terrified – of meeting new people, being somewhere where I know no one, looking stupid around people I don’t know, and reaching ever so tentatively outside my comfort zone to try to make a new friend.

I am afraid of the dark.

I am afraid of monsters in my closet, murderers in my bedroom, and robbers in my basement.

I am afraid of the slowing of metabolism.

I am afraid of making enemies and burning bridges.

I am afraid of guns, especially in the hands of the children our society has failed. Especially in schools.

I am afraid of the anger of a 13 year old.

I am afraid of budget cuts, and the increase in the amount of children we will fail. 

I am afraid that our first black president will be assassinated and, more generally, that hate will rule the country, the world. 

I am afraid of going flying off the highway.

I am afraid to leave my 20’s, although that will not be for a few years and I hear it actually gets better.

I am afraid my students don’t/won’t like me.

I am afraid to hike by myself, even with Lexi.

I am afraid that my outfit doesn’t work.

I am afraid this house will never be done, and know that it won’t.

 

In all this doom and gloom, I must also remember that I am strong. And so are you.

I am not afraid of heights. I love sitting on the edge of cliffs.

I am not afraid of little children.

I am not afraid of being different, even rebellious.

I am not afraid to jump for the next handhold even if I know I will lose it and fall…actually I enjoy falling if I have a rope attached to me.

I am not afraid to ask, nicely.

I am not afraid of working too much, which is actually a fault.

I am not afraid to create.

I am not afraid to dream, and dream wild dreams.

I am not afraid to do things no one else in my school does, like film and art in science.

I am not afraid to journal, and look back to see where I have been and learned.

I am not afraid to sing loudly (…in my car…alone).

I am not afraid to push myself.

I am not afraid to just see where God takes me (yes I am, but I tell myself this over and over to try to convince myself). 

I am not afraid to explore and travel. 

I am not afraid to enter the wilderness, despite experiences with hail, a wet tent and lightening.

I am not afraid to take students underground, through water, down a mudslide, and through small passageways (although I am afraid of parents complaining about ruined clothes). 

I am not afraid to have students over my house for a BBQ.

I am not afraid to take students on overnight trips (although the lawyers say I should be).

I am not afraid to love kids, even though they can break your heart.

I am not afraid to bite off more than I can chew. (obviously!)

 

I am not usually transparent in the area of my feelings (besides sleepiness and frustration) or where my head is at here on my blog. Another fear. But if you feel up to it, tell me, what are your fears? I’ve learned before that we often all have the same fears and sharing them helps them all fade into the background, but of course I have realized this just as often as I have forgotten it. There it is again! My theme for my life right now: REMEMBER.

I am afraid of forgetting the important lessons I learn, letting the chance for revision and peace slip by, and forgetting what and who is important in life.